Trading Places

I just realized this morning how many similarities exist between Baghdad (Iraq) and San Francisco (nickname: Baghdad by the Bay).

For example, you would not want to send your children to public school in either San Francisco or Baghdad. The Iraq Daily newspaper publishes incoherent editorials demonizing George W Bush as a warmonger while lionizing France, Russia, and China for their efforts to keep Saddam in power. The same can be said about the San Francisco Chronicle.

On any given day you can find thugs parading through the streets of both San Francisco and Baghdad expressing hatred of the United States and support for Islamic fascism. And anti-semitic riots occur not only in Baghdad but also in San Francisco.

The leaders of the two cities have a number of shocking similarities. For starters, both are snappy dressers with a fetish for silly hats:

San Francisco Mayor Wille Brown	Iraqi President Saddam Hussein

Willie Brown is an accomplished ladies man, as is Saddam Hussein. Saddam Hussein grew up in poverty and joined the socialist Ba'ath party as a youth. A master of patronage and intrigue, he gradually took over the Ba'ath party which became his personal machine for running Iraq as a one-party state. Likewise, Willie Brown grew up in poverty in East Texas and joined the socialist Democratic party as a youth. A master of patronage and intrigue, he gradually took over the local Democratic party which became his personal machine for running San Francisco as a one-party city.

Saddam Hussein distributes jobs and kickbacks to his clansmen from the "Tikrit mafia". Willie Brown takes care of his own homeboys. On the other side of the balance sheet, Saddam executes disloyal subordinates. Willie Brown uses admittedly more subtle means to destroy those who cross him.

Most intriguing is that both Saddam and Willie are facing term limits. Willie's term as mayor ends in January 2004. His recent attempts to find a new job have not been successful. Saddam's term ends on March 19, 2003 at 5pm San Francisco time. His future job prospects do not look promising. And therein lies the opportunity and the perfect solution to the various crises in Iraq and San Francisco: Let Saddam and Willie trade places! Willie Brown would be appointed military governor of Iraq, while Saddam would run for mayor of San Francisco. After all, only a country at least the size of Iraq could contain Willie's ego. Saddam, on the other hand, is a sure vote getter as the most popular man in San Francisco; witness the hundreds of thousands of people who fill the streets every weekend to demonstrate on his behalf.

Imagine some of benefits that would accrue to Iraq under Willie and to Baghdad (by the Bay) under Saddam. Take the respective police forces, for example. Willie could apply his San Francisco police management style to make the Iraqi secret police a little less zealous. On the other hand, Saddam could teach the SFPD a thing or two about foiling an investigation.

Posted by Stefan Sharkansky at March 19, 2003 08:35 AM