Republican Party Census Document

I just received in the mail a solicitation from the RNC called the "Republican Party Census Document", which has a questionnaire asking my opinion on various issues so they can report back to "Party Leaders", and more importantly, asking me for my money. I find it amusing that they sent this to me since there are only 3 or 4 Republicans in all of San Francisco, and I'm not one of them. (although between Rummy and Condy, and after GWB's UN speech last week, I'm more inclined now to vote Republican than I've ever been). And if they really want to know my opinions they can just read my blog like everybody else.

So now I'm going to answer some of their questions. Unfortunately, the form they sent me only gives 3 possible answers for each question (Yes, No and Undecided). But in most cases a longer answer is required. I'm certain, by the way, that a comparable Democratic questionnaire would have been even funnier. But this is the material I was given to work with, so here goes:

Domestic Security
1. Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans?

Safety and security for all Americans? no. But for just about everybody except for these guys. In any event, I support putting a bullet in Saddam Hussein's eye like they did to Moe Green in the Godfather.

2. Do you support the creation of an Office of Homeland Security?

First of all, no. The problem is not that there aren't enough Offices, the problem is that the existing Agencies and Bureaus aren't doing their jobs properly. Fire some of the chuckleheads in the CIA who didn't see those planes coming and then come back to me with your outstretched hand, which I will promptly slap for picking the worst totalitarian-sounding name for a federal agency ever, with the possible exception of the Office of Strength Through Joy.

3. Would you support increasing the amount of security at airports, train stations and all government buildings including monuments and museums?

It depends on how you define "increasing the amount of security". If you mean hiring more high-school dropouts who can't speak English to rifle through the underpants of elderly Korean women looking for pencil sharpeners, then no. If you mean searching for people who fit the demographic and psychological profile of the combatants in the current war against Arab fascism and radical Islamism, then yes

International Security
1. Do you support the use of economic sanctions against nations who do not actively support and provide assistance to Operation Enduring Freedom?

No, I do not support economic sanctions. I support kidnapping those nations' heads of government and throwing them out of moving airplanes at 30,000 feet

2. Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attacks on America?

Can I get extra cheese on that?

3. Do you support increasing the use of covert operatives in targeted areas?

Only if the covert operatives can actually speak the local languages. Not if the agents are anything like these dimwits

Education Issues
1. Do you support President Bush's plan to make our schools more accountable to parents and to restore local control of education?

Only if his plan entails: (a) disbanding the teachers unions (b) offering vouchers, and (c) putting every administrator and school board member from the San Francisco Unified School District on a slow boat to a far-away galaxy

Social Issues
1. Do you support President Bush's initiative to allow private religious and charitable groups to help those in need through faith-based programs?

What do you mean "Bush's initiative"? First Al Gore claims credit for the Internet and now Bush claims credit for Tzedakah?

2. Should we take the next step in welfare reform through faith-based programs?

Only if the government has absolutely nothing to do with this, whatsoever

Defense Issues
1. Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations' commanders?

Ha ha ha (I'm sorry, I laughed so hard the Pepsi-Cola I was drinking squirted out of my nose). No.

2. Do you think that the U.S. should modernize our national defense to meet the challenges of the 21st century -- such as building a ballistic missle defense system?

Ha ha ha (Damn, now there's Pepsi-Cola all over the other wall). Missile Defense, you mean like Star Wars? Like that's so 1980s. Hey, have you heard the new Paul Simon album, it's called Graceland. Look, anybody who has ever seen the inside of a computer program and has half a clue should be able to tell you that they'll never get the software to work. I am fully confident that if an anti-missile missile were fired at an incoming missile over Tierra del Fuego, it would actually land in my mother's backyard in Madison, Wisconsin. But if kids get to believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy then grown-ups should have a missile defense system to believe in. But no. Let's just tell people we have a missile defense system and then use the money for something that'll actually make us more secure. Like putting a bullet in Saddam's eye like they did to Moe Green in the Godfather.

Posted by Stefan Sharkansky at September 17, 2002 07:02 AM